Cock Slapped.

Spurrier Cold-Cocked

No amount of visor-tossing or Viagra could help the normally cocksure Spurrier or his impotent Cocks in Gainesville Saturday afternoon. Mighty Florida would teach South Carolina the hard lesson that you don't bring a cock to a Gator fight. And blogs, placards, and drunken fans alike, would teach Spurrier that losing is worse when you have the most double entendre-rich team name in sports history.

 

O, the incidental comedy of sports!

Let's start where games are won: The D.

The best defense in the SEC is the Florida Gators, verily. Conversation over. Don't take it from me, I lie, but numbers don't. The Gator D is 1st in redzone defense (60%), 1st in turnover margin (+15), 1st in interceptions (17), 1st in scoring defense (11.3), 2nd in total defense (274.9 yds./game), 2nd in rushing defense (102 yds./game), and 4th in passing defense (172.2 yds./game). 

Stiff D Makes Cocks Impotent.

Scoring on Florida is the exception, not the rule. The Gators' 11.3 points per game average was helped this Saturday by keeping the Cocks offense flaccid, limiting them to an anticlimactic two field goals. Against our big D, the Cocks were short on the ground with only 54 yards. Gators stuffed any holes a Cock could go through. Cock-stuffer Cunningham had 8 tackles, half a sack, and forced a fumble. Dunlap, who doesn't even start, dun good and got his 6th sack of the season (tied for 2nd in the SEC). 

Converting third downs against Florida is the exception, not the rule. Opponents have converted less than 30% of their 3rd down attempts (40/134). Florida forced 10 punts out of the Cocks, 8 of which were 3 and outs. The Florida linebacking corps is playing lights out. Every game it's someone new coming up and accompanying General Spikes and terminating the enemy.This week's cockswain was Brandon Hicks. Hicks hurried one pass and deflected another resulting in two interceptions out of the Stinky Cock. Hicks would later come free on the blindside and pulverize the Stinky Cock into chicken droppings. 

Getting picked off by Florida is the rule, not the exception. Florida leads the SEC with 17 picks, averaging 25.9 per return, 5 of which have been for six. This season 11 different players on the Florida defense have at least 1 interception. The Gators intercepted Stinky and the other guy 3 times. General Spikes grabbed his 3rd interception for the year, and took it to the house for the 2nd time this year. Ahmad Black, who attracts passes like a fucking magnet, got his 6th pick this season, he's tied for the lead in the SEC and nation in total picks and picks to the crib. The freshmen got nasty too, the Thrill got his first pick of the season, and Jenkins broke up two passes that would've resulted in first downs.

Gators' O Show Cocks Their "O" Face.

For real, this shit's just getting crazy stupid. I haven't seen a Cock beating this bad since I was 13 and discovered my old man's stash. 

The Gators' O have laid waste to every highly-ranked SEC defense. Merciless Percy ran the ball 8 times, scored twice, and gained 167 yards in the process of being a badass. I swear this guy's made of water. Every time defenders try to grab him, he flows through their grasp, finding the path of least resistance. He moves more proactively than reactively. In the post-game press conference Meyer said it's Percy's peerless first step that makes him so elusive. Fact is that the guy's amazing and not even legally allowed to drink. Percy's performance was enough to get the Jota to retract his statement that Demps is better than Percy. For now.

Touchdown Timbow (which, btw, I heard some Sun Sports announcer call him "Timbow" last week and claim to have made up the hybrid name. Eh, no, I did.) had two td's in the air, and ran one down the Cocks' throat for his 11th rushing touchdown . Timbow was again taken out early per the mercy rule. 

The Freaky Freshmen got some too. Deonte Thompson, the redshirt freshness, had 3 catches, including a 46 yd. six pointer. Demps was a blue streak again averaging a nonhuman 10+ yards per carry and scoring on a 38 yd. td run. Rainey averaged 7.9 yards on 7 carries. Moody ran with murderous intent again, hungry for his first score. He broke a run for 36, and broke some Cockheads on his shorter gains.

In fact, there were 4 Gators with at least 1 rushing td, and 5 with at least 39 yards rushing. The Gators ran all over the Cocks for a total of 346 yards. 

Bristol, Connecticut's Hernandez put on for his city making an obscenely good catch and the ESPN highlights.

Especially Special

Unsurprisingly, le special teams played outfuckingstanding. No Cock blocks this game. But there were some cockamamie shenanigans. Dunno why, but the Ole Ball Cock called for a throw-back lateral on a kick return. Uh, no: James Smith recovered the ball on the Cock one yard line. 

Brandon James averaged 22 yards a kickoff return, and returned one punt 39 yards. The Gators punted 6 times, of which none were returned, 4 were inside the 20, and one was 60 yards. Shit, even the backup punter had a 44 yarder inside the 20.