Blinged Newton.

Cam Newton is this week's much-deserving bling victim.

Sir Newton's brilliance is blinding. Let's review the allegations:

Newton stole a laptop from another student's dorm room. Nothing too stupid there, save for the larceny and burglary. 

Then, Clever Cameron used the computer to get online, logging onto the University of Florida network, and creating a perfect track for campus authorities to trace. Tight work!

And then, Newton writes his name "CAM NEWTON" on the lid of the laptop. I can't figure out why he would do this. Then again, I'm not a fucking moron. Perhaps the thinking goes as follows: "It has my name on it, it can't be yours." Kinda like how one wrote their name on their stuff in grade school. That's my burnt umber crayon, stealer! Gimme!

Cam's boundless intelligence doesn't end there. Florida 5-0 show up and query Newton 'bout his hot 'puter. Cameron doesn't know what they're talking about, Willis. Very well then. This laptop right here? Peep it, it's mine, check the name, copper! In that case, you wouldn't mind signing this Search and Seizure Waiver, would you, braniac? Of course not, replied nimble Newton. Privacy rights are for the birds.

So, the boys in blue leave, but not without recording the serial number of the laptop. They cross-reference the number with the one reported stolen from the hapless student. Voila. A match! 

Cops return. Cam doesn't have a laptop. What are you even talking about? Stop this harassment. I've called my lawyer. OOOooooo!

Good. Holler at him and maybe he can help you explain why we found that laptop in the dumpster outside your dorm window.

Turn around, place your hands behind your back. 

Leave the apple here.