Friday, September 3, 2010

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.




It’s time
. It’s time to don your Saturday best and celebrate this sacred day: from this day forth there will be no more Saturdays without college football— for months. No longer will you be required to drink your own piss in the desert by watching Baseball Tonight and The International Badminton Championships on ESPN and Versus—you’ve survived. You never know how you do it, how you got by for 8 months without seeing your team on the pitch, without the music of ESPN’s College Football Gameday, without a justification shared by millions for drinking before noon— okay, before ten— on a Saturday morning, but you do. And you did. Why? Because college football is the greatest creation ever created, next to the blowjob with the twisty hand thing. And much like such blowjob, college football not only brings out the best in us but it often leaves the one on other with a bitter taste in their mouth.

College football is, what St. Anselm’s famous ontological argument called, “something than which nothing greater can be imagined.” St. Anselm was talking about God, who, let’s face it, is arguably as controversial as college football. But St. Anselm’s point is no less true: college football is the greatest conceivable conception. Better for the world than religion, I reckon. Really. Consider that while college football has been responsible for at least as much factious, absolutely convicted, multi-generational hate as the three Abrahamic religions, it does not share the body count religion does.

I’d venture to say college football is better for the world than democracy. Much like Rome needed the coliseum’s spectacle of human death to distract the masses who would otherwise rise against the emperor, the world needs college football to distract red meat-eating, deeply drunk American males who would otherwise annihilate enemies with a fiery rain of depleted uranium. College football is good for humanity because it promotes world peace. Yup.

College football is not without its incidental benefits. College football raises our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-indulgence. Unless your team loses of course, in which case it can suck as much as learning your girlfriend is on PornHub. But a win over a rival can have the normally shy and quiet rage and scream that not only is their dick bigger, but it pisses farther and has been inside your mothers. In a league of computer and poll rankings, there exists a fandom who believe that not only is their grandeur not delusional, their superiority is not complex.

There’s nothing like college football. Pro football is whoredom, passionless, overpriced, oversold, and overdone. It's like fucking a hooker, which is all nice and fun, but nothing to brag about. College football, on the other hand, is like taking down a nice scotch, aged 18-22 years, pure, unadulterated, and you don't have to wear a rubber. I mix my metaphors, but you understand. Pro football has salary caps, signing bonuses, and, soon enough, lockouts. College football has pageantry, traditions, fight songs, and parades. It has dark horses, red shirts, bcs busters, recruits, BMOC’s, and Kansas City tiebreakers. It has rose, international, outback, sugar, and Gaylord hotels bowls.
It has coaches named Mack, Urban, Joepa, Bear, and Wannstache. And teams named Cocks, Gators, Wolverines, Hurricanes, and Green and Crimson Tides. One cannot go to school at their pro football team’s home, one can only live in its city, which makes them as exclusive as the other residents. College football is about exclusivity, which is a nice way of saying that college football is about being a fucking snob. It's about looking down your nose at the other school, its student body, and football team.

I love college football. It reminds me that everything is going to be ok, so long as everyone else loses. It brings me close to my old college friends, who, despite seeing me at my worst, covered in my own urine, another’s blood, and Beam’s finest, still want to see me every year. College football is an American celebration of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through schadenfruede.

God bless college football (except non-UF teams, naturally).

3 comments:

JEWBOY said...

It has been a while, but well worth the wait Gomer. I believe this year we shock the world by winning another National Title! I have been up since 7:30am waiting for all this to start and now it's here.

Go show off your freshmen who might really be 25 yrs old!
Go prove yourself Brantley!
Go Gators!

Jewboy

the SHA said...

Brilliant, Gomz. Welcome back to everyone!

Go Ontology!
Go Gators!

NigJim said...

I just whizzed myself, dammit