Friday, October 30, 2009

Ol Bills Picks

This weekend we celebrate the Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. I had the best times ever at FL/GA

This girl had a lot of fun a couple of years ago







But I feel bad I have not shared the wealth with MGN.

This week I took

Eagles -7.5
ECU -5
and
UNC +15.5

Call me John Anthony

Here are my pics for this weekend BECAUSE YOU ALL DESERVE $ TOO

Tonight

WVU -3

Tomm

MIAMI -7
UTEP -7
MICH -7
NAVY -7
MICH ST -3.5

Sunday

TEXANS +3.5
VIKINGS +3
COLTS -12


GEORGIA IS GONNA BE FIRED UP....YOU BETTER BE TOO




Go undefeated ATS (against the spread)
Go Gators

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Bury Those Cockroaches


Often, when one walks about, taking in what Walt Whitman calls “the unspeakably perfect miracle” of a beautiful day, one fails to consider the cockroaches living in the cracks of the Earth where the sun chooses to not shine. On this day, I have decided to think of the creatures which occupy the rung beneath creepy crawling cockroaches: UM fans.

I will not argue the merits of which team is better presently, because, when a team is number one, no other team is better. That’s how being number one works. Nor will I get into which team was better, because, who cares what either team did more than a decade ago? New rule for this blog: You cannot reference what your team did if, when they did it, you were not legally allowed to consume alcohol and own a handgun (which, btw, might be the single greatest day of licensing that a boy could ever want to celebrate and the two most fun privileges to exercise simultaneously). Now, to be clear, I am not conceding any arguments of which team is better, it’s just that this is not about the Hurricanes football team, it’s about a particular set of their fans, and certain truths about them.


This much is true: UM fans suck. They do, it’s true. And it’s not just the opinion of Gator fans. Ask a resident of any college town that has actually played host to UM fans (when UM fans actually travel to watch their team) and they’ll tell you one of two things: First, UM fans are classless scumfuck cumbags. Second, that they’re annoying, rude, and hubristic. Now, in truth, being annoying, rude, and hubristic is not unlike every other college football fan out there. Gator fans can be annoying when they wax lyrical about the seemingly-endless upward-trending state of their beloved Gator football team. Gator fans can also be rude when they savor the sweet schadenfreude (See Jota’s text-message onslaught after any Hurricanes loss) served up by another team’s loss. Hubristic? Gator fans? Indeed, though that may have less to do with football and more to do with outside metrics, such as smoke-show ratios, brain volume, and cock length.

Now, there are some UM fans who are not only annoying, rude, and hubristic, but are much, much more. The kind of UM fan about which I spew is called the “U-Fraud”. You know him. The U-Fraud is the guy who went to another university but yet cheers for UM. You’ve seen ‘em: the ones proclaiming that “it’s all about the U” while hanging out the side of their souped up ’98 mint green Honda Accord sitting on twenty-twen twens with no fewer than six FIU or MDC parking decals layered on the rear window. You know the ones who say that they’ve got that swag, bro. ‘Swag’. No, guy, what you have is gonorrhea, an upside down subprime mortgage, and the most misplaced sense of fan loyalty in the competitive sports universe. Such fans should be bound, gagged, and flung from rapidly moving vehicles.

Naturally, the human inclination is always to ask why. Why would a person cheer for the enemy? Usually, people give their allegiance according to their ideology (e.g. the American citizenry subscribes to democratic, capitalistic ideals, or at least up until recently) or to their greed (e.g. mercenaries who would kill and die for highest bidder). Such is not the case here. Here, the U-Fraud bases his allegiance according to that which he saw as a kid. Ask any Fraud why they cheer for UM and the answer is invariably the same: “Bro, because I grew up going to the OB and watching da U deeeestroy the Big East back in the day, dog.” The reasoning is plainly weak: because I did it as a child, I must do it as an adult. That logic is a surefire way to remain a moron for life.

There are particularly three types of UM fans which peeve me the most. I’ll first address the the U-Fraud who goes to Miami-Dade College but cheers for UM. This type of U-Fraud gets the most understanding from me, in large part because MDC does not have a football team, so it makes some sense to cheer for the school situated closest to you with a football team. But, therein lies the rub: FIU is the closest school with a football team. Granted, FIU’s program is young and impressively unsuccessful-- and I will get into more of this below-- but it’s still a lot easier to cheer for them than for a team which plays far enough to necessitate a full tank of gas.

The MDC U-Fraud fan is generally either a criminal, a drug-addict, a stripper (which, let’s face it, in a recession, every stripper’s a hooker), or, what’s infinitely worse, from Kendall. Most of these fans are not very bright and, as such, shouldn’t be given too much shit about their silly decisions. It’s like punching a puppy for shitting on the carpet-- it’s fun, illegal, and sadistically satisfying, but it’s probably best to just pat it on the head and say, in your best dumbed-down baby voice, “it’s ok, you silly bitch”. Basically, in the words of the only bigger cocktease than Timbow, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

The next U-Fraud that I’ll address is the guy who goes to FIU but is a die-hard UM fan. To this U-Fraud I used to give more leeway, but no longer. FIU now has a football team which plays on campus so there’s no reason why any FIU student should cheer for another school. UM is located in posh Coral Gables and not in Miami. UM’s players and fans must travel over 30 miles away from their campus to watch their team play a “home game” in the breath life-taking city of Miami Gardens. We all know that this wasn’t always the case, UM used to play in the historic Orange Bowl. But, even though it’s all about the U, UM cannot raise a red cent from its alumni or U-Frauds to build a stadium, and it is therefore forced to play its games in LandShark Stadium, which is closer to Ft. Lauderdale than it is to Miami or Coral Gables. Aside from how geographically asinine is it to go to FIU and cheer for another university, it is also quite Uncle/Tio Tom/Tomas-ish too.

It’s a bold statement, I know. But it’s important to set the context, so let’s examine FIU’s makeup. FIU is a commuter school, the 15th largest in the country, 4th in Florida, and boasts one the most diverse student bodies in the country. The undergraduate tuition for an in-state student is about $4,500.00 a year, and about three times that amount for an out-of-state student. FIU has an on-campus football stadium, the only university south of Orlando to have one. The student body is 59% Hispanic (any race, including Mexicans like Ol’ Bill), 12% African American, and 17% White (non-Hispanic, like Ol’ Bill’s other half). UM, by comparison, is a rich white kids’ school, costing about $35,500 in annual tuition to call oneself a Hurricane and not be a U-Fraud. The student body is more than 55% White (read: Northeast trash), less than 28% Hispanic, and less than 10% African-American.

Ironically, FIU’s student body represents a cross-section of the fans who populate the stands at UM games, while UM’s student body represents the cross-section of a southern university at the inception of integration. If again you feel that natural human inclination to ask why, that’s good, you must be a Gator. Why would a low-to-middle income minority student who attends a public school cheer for a rich white kid’s private school football team? I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. I can hazard a guess though: FIU U-Frauds, rather than admit they’re wrong, would rather justify their position with the same flawed reasoning that I mentioned above. That is-- because I did it as a kid, I should do it as an adult. The sheer ridiculousness of this allegiance is even more pronounced when the person doing the cheering is a minority. It’s tantamount to a black student who attends an inner city high school cheering for the rich white kids’ private high school, a school which that kid would never be accepted nor afford. Like a black or Hispanic kid from Edison cheering for Gulliver, it’s absurd and pathetic and laughable and saddening and merits ridicule.

Now, we come to the all-time, all-universe worst type of U-Fraud: the one who went to the great University of Florida and cheers for UM. This is the lowest form of life and is hard to understand when one is a high-order reasoning being like a Gator fan, which if you're reading this post, you're probably one. To get a better idea of who and what this ameoba shitbag-fan is like, use your imagination.

Picture this: You’re a high school student in Miami. You apply to UF, FSU, UCF, FIU, USF, and UM. You get in to every school. You’re thrilled. You choose UF because it’s a more prestigious institution than the other schools to which you applied and, possibly more importantly, it’s reasonably priced as the state of Florida prides itself as having the cheapest university tuition in the country. You move to Gainesville during Summer B session. You are exposed to one of the largest collections of young, supple flesh on Earth. You have a blast. You meet people from different area codes. Your little provincial Miami mind is expanded. Then fall rolls around. Everyone is now in school. The city’s population has quadrupled. You now live in a place where the weather responds to the Earth’s axial tilt. Campus is abuzz with excitement. It’s Friday and you’re heading to the Porpoise, or some other bar where they allow children to drink. You buy 10 pitchers for $4 but leave $5 because you’re a heavy tipper. You drink, dance, drink, repeat. Then you head to an after-party. You do more of the drinking thing and bed some girl who has been old enough to drive a car for two years. Life’s great. Welcome to Gainesville. Now, it’s Saturday. Gameday. The weather is beautiful and everyone is bedecked in Gator garb. The streets are festooned in Orange and Blue. People are smiling because the Gators are playing their first home game of the season. There are gameday parties everywhere. Kegs flow. Fans chant. And you? You stay at home and watch a UM game.

Again, why? How could one choose to align themselves with a team whose greatest accomplishments were made when the USSR was around and hairy pussy was in? How could one choose to live in Gainesville, a shining city on a hill long before Romulus and Remus were sucking on wolf tits, and yet stay home on a game day... to watch UM? The answer is because they’re bad people. The actions of bad people are inexplicable to the minds of good people. Luckily, no such good people read this blog, so we should be fine in figuring this out.

I think it is important to note that while these U-Frauds probably remain faithful to UM for the same reason that U-Frauds from FIU and MDC do, which is that they’re too stubborn to admit that their childhood loyalty is misplaced, they seem to do it out of spite for their Gator classmates. I don’t really know why they’d shine on their own people, but then again, I don’t think like a dumbshit U-Fraud. I think it’s a silly, un-admirable obstinacy to hold the line because of fear of admitting one is wrong (cf. Gulf War 2). We all have a friend or two like this.

I think the worst part of being this kind of U-Fraud is that they cannot enjoy Gainesville after they’ve graduated. Think about it. One of the best parts about having gone to UF is going back to Gainesville or other places not only to watch the Gators play, but also to catch up with old friends. U-Frauds from UF do not do this. They stay home and do not head to Gainesville on whatever big game weekend that every other UF alumnus goes. I find this inexcusably ridiculous and untenable. Granted, there are those-- and I know one in particular whose name is an acronym of the word “blowjob”-- who cheer for UM and UF, which is also silly. But, at least they enjoy Gainesville when their fellow alumni do.

So, what are we to do with these U-Frauds? It’s like dealing with a family member with an addiction. Does one “hate the sin, and not the sinner”, as the Evangelicals say? I don’t know how to handle this. But, I can hazard a guess: They should have a party in the Swamp so that the over 95,000 screaming, Gator fan mob can watch as these non-believer U-Frauds are fed to a pit of starved, prehistoric-sized gators.

Go Ready the Pit
Go Gators.


Okefenokee Oar


Florida-Georgia winner to get “Okefenokee Oar”
by Nathan Crabbe
The winner of this Saturday’s Florida-Georgia game will get a wooden oar to go along with bragging rights.
The University of Florida Student Government announced Wednesday that the “Okefenokee Oar” would be presented to the game’s winner starting this year, in the hopes of establishing an annual tradition.
“It’s just a way to increase the friendly competition in the game,” said Eric Conrad, student government spokesman.
Presenting such a trophy follows in the tradition of other rivarly games. The winner of Michigan-Minnesota gets the Little Brown Jug, the winner of Minnesota-Wisconsin gets Paul Bunyan’s Axe and other teams have also exchanged quirky items in longstanding rivalries.
The oar, which will be presented to the student government president of the winning university, is carved from a 1,000-year-old cypress tree cut from the Okefenokee Swamp, according to student government. The swamp straddles the Florida-Georgia border.
The oar is “supposed to symbolize the area that has always been fought over by the states,” Conrad said.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Bulldogs show the Bird

Apparently Mark Richt didnt like the Gators calling 2 unnecessary time outs late in the game last year.



Thx to Jota for pic


People starting to talk ish that we are getting some BS calls. I admit the SEC refs have been slacking...nothing like the umps in MLB but still we have gotten lucky...some people got creative with photoshop.


Thx to Pis for pic


Go f. yourself
Go Gators

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

LA ESQUINA (early edition)

We are a flawed team. I don’t want to continue to sound like a negative Nancy but we have to acknowledge the truth. And the truth is that we are flawed offensively. Probably the most flawed #1 team since the 2007 LSU team that won the national championship with 2 losses and about a hundred 4th down conversions. Here are the big problems right now:

· ATROCIOUS DEAD ZONE OFFENSE: It’s inexplicable really. We march the ball up and down the field and then get inside the 20 and act like we forgot how to play offensive football. Somebody commented to me that it’s almost to the point where it’s a mental thing. Some sort of psychological barrier that we have developed which is triggered every time we cross the 20. I hope not. And if this is true, get Dr. Phil, get Oprah…get somebody in there and get this thing fixed right now. Urban admitted earlier this week that they were deviating from their “call sheet” (the pre-designed red zone plays the coaches draw up before every game). So maybe the coaches are getting too cute also. Maybe they all need to just relax and stop worrying about it…go to some Asian massage parlor, have some beers and just “relax” (or should I say release?). Get your mind right guys and just do inside the 20 what you have been doing so well outside of it. One play in particular really bothered me, on that series where Timmy got stuffed inside the 1 yard line repeatedly, why operate out of the shotgun formation? By the time the ball is snapped you are back at the 5 yard line instead of the 1. How about Timmy under center with a QB sneak under there (no pun intended)? This play seems to be good for 1 or 2 yards in the NFL with much smaller QBs than Tebow. You’re going to tell me he can’t pick up 5 inches there? Also, we absolutely must look for Hernandez more in the red zone. He is too big a target to ignore in that part of the field.

· TIMMY NEEDS A SLUMPBUSTER: Take a page out of the Steve Phillips handbook Tim. This is the worst I have seen you play. I will chalk it up to Dan Mullen’s familiarity with our offense and personnel but going forward you have to pick it up. I know that you are extremely religious and into this virginity thing but it’s time to drop the charade. You have wet your whistle numerous times and I suggest you do so again immediately. As in every day this week in fact, with a new subject, and the uglier the better. That’s how slumpbusters work. If you don’t believe me, go chat up some baseball players, they coined the phrase.

· GET THE KILLER INSTINCT BACK: Last year we got up early on teams and then stomped on them. We buried them alive and usually before half time. I am not calling for that same level of ruthlessness (that’s a tall task without Percy and Louis) but I do think we are letting teams off the hook too easily this year, and it’s mainly due to inopportune turnovers (as if there is such a thing as opportune turnovers). Against Tennessee we were driving inside the 5 to make the score 30-6 when Timmy fumbled and they came back to score. In Arkansas we shot ourselves in the foot repeatedly with multiple red zone fumbles. In this game against Mississippi State we were about to blow the lid off in the first half before throwing an interception that resulted in a 14 point swing. The score was 13-10 but if we score there it’s a 20-3 game going into the half…and we were getting the ball back to start the third quarter. Get that assassin’s mentality back and stab some of these teams in the heart…and even if you think they are dead pick up the knife and stab them again…then twist the knife some more and if they are still moving pull it out and start slashing throats maniacally (just in case there’s any Georgia fans reading this, please understand that this is all metaphoric of course). We keep letting teams hang around and hang around and one of these days we are going to get tripped up and it’s going to cost us the national championship.

Before I go batsh*t, let’s change gears for a bit and discuss some of the questions raised in last week’s article to see how things played out.

· “Does Dunlap finally bust out and have a 3 sack game?” Actually, he did. He had exactly 3 sacks, multiple other tackles for a loss and the deflection that led to the Dustin Doe interception return for a touchdown. He played what I think was his best game as a Gator save for maybe the national championship game last year where he was defensive MVP. He is a top 10 pick next year (maybe top 5) and would be dumb not to go. Especially since the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement is up after next year and the owners are hell bent on instituting a rookie cap like the one the NBA has in place. That could literally mean a loss of tens of millions of dollars for the top prospects compared to what they can make now. Besides, after what happened to Bradford and Gresham this year and Cornelius Ingram last year, I think he has to go. Although, his dad is on the gator blogs and swears that Big Los is coming back. Stay tuned.

· “How does our interior D hold up with the following players out (Marsch, Howard, Trattou, Antwine and B-Spikes)? And yes I know they said Spikes was 50-50 but in Urban Meyer code that means there’s no way in hell he gets on the field. Remember when Deonte was “probable” for the Kentucky and LSU games?” The answer is that we held up fabulously. Terron Sanders was a terror and Omar Hunter played big too. These guys really stepped up and shut down one of the best running backs in the country in Anthony Dixon. When we get the other guys back we should be that much better. And as predicted, Spikes didn’t play. Although Urban teased us a little bit with this one, he had Spikes fully dressed in pads jumping up and down on the sidelines…but Spikes still sat out. He should be good to go for the pups this week in one of our biggest rivalry games.

· “How does Janoris and the rest of the secondary respond after their worst outing of the year?” They were lights out. We didn’t give up any significant yardage on the air and Janoris blanketed his man all game. As far as Joe Haden, you all get a big CHILD PLEASE! He’s the best. I still would like to see more big plays from our safeties this year. I am dying for a Major Wright special. Wright’s been solid and had a nice pick in this game but I don’t think he’s really cracked anybody since Manny Johnson in the Oklahoma game (which by the way might be my favorite hit of all time).

· “Does the Mullen spread give our D any major headaches?” Nope. Not much more to say here. Our D toyed with them all game.

· “Does Mullen bust out any trick plays? I wouldn’t put it past him…I am sure he wants this one bad.” Indeed he did. Mullen tried a fake punt but we sniffed it out. The guy fell but David Nelson was right there ready to make the tackle regardless. This was a huge play as it led to our only red zone touchdown (the sweet Chris Rainey TD out of the power I-formation). Big ups to Rainey by the way, he played one of his best games as a gator not only running the ball hard and scoring but also blocking a punt for the second time this year.

· “Does Moody finally have a huge break-out game? I think he explodes here…like a virgin on prom night.” Nope. I was dead wrong about this one. Even with Jeff Demps getting hurt with a neck injury and coming out of the game, Moody only got 5 carries. Rainey took over almost all of the RB duties. Insiders on the blog have said that there is an issue with Moody behind the scenes but the coaching staff doesn’t want to air Moody’s dirty laundry. For the life of me I can’t imagine what it is. He is a 5 star recruit, the son of a preacher and a good guy by all accounts. If you are going to give him 5 carries why not give him 12-15? Every time he touches the ball he excels. Let’s ride that horse!

· “Do we keep chucking the ball or go back to the power running game?” Ummm…neither really, we went back to the dead zone sloppiness with Addumbio.

· “Can Timmy put up some stats and build some Heisman momentum?” I hate to say it but I think Timmy might have played his way out of the Heisman race. Unless he can go on a sick streak the rest of the year (which seems doubtful at the moment) he’ll just have to settle for 1 Heisman…and maybe 3 rings. Not bad. He would need at least one absurd game like he had in 2007 against South Carolina when he scored 7 touchdowns in one game. Yes, that happened…look it up. So far this year Timmy has 8 passing touchdowns and 4 interceptions.

Good news though, WE WON THE FUC*ING GAME! We are #1 in the country in all polls (the Alabama hiccup with Tennessee didn’t hurt) and are still the biggest baddest boys in town. Nobody likes to agonize their way through victories like gator fans though. Just remember people, we are in the golden era of Florida football. Look around to our retarded cousins FSU and UM…thank god every day that you are all part of the lucky sperm club and were fortunate to be born into the Gator nation.

Let’s chat about the Georgia Bulldogs (a.k.a. the puppies) for a bit. I can’t remember the last time UF fans were so nonchalant about playing Georgia. Where is the hype for this game? Yes they are having a down year and yes they got blown up by Tennessee but I want you to remember these three (3) things:

(1) Georgia historically is one of our biggest if not the biggest rival and anything goes in a rivalry game. We smoked them last year and something tells me they will be ready.

(2) They had a bye week last week so have had two full weeks to prepare for us. Give a good coach like Richt an extra 168 hours to prepare and that does not usually bode well.

(3) Irrespective of how crappy they have played all year, a victory against us can make their season. They will leave it all out on the field, you can bet your ass.

This is why we must remember the aforementioned Killer Instinct. Remember to twist the knife guys. This is still Georgia and they have some of the best recruits in the nation. Starting with the Randy Moss clone A.J. Green at receiver. I think he is the best receiver in college football after Dez Bryant and David Nelson (just kidding, we are still waiting for the AMBER alert results to come back on David -- SINGING: Oh where in the world is Carmen San Diego…I mean David Nelson).

Enough funny business though, this is serious stuff and nobody will be laughing if we drop this game to Georgia. That is why most of all, I want the gators to remember the 2007 incident. You know what I am talking about, the hot dogging where the entire Georgia team came out to celebrate their first touchdown and started jumping up and down in our end zone. To this day one of the most disturbing and upsetting college football experiences I have ever had. I am surprised a riot didn’t break out. This of course led to the infamous Urban Meyer timeouts as we were absolutely embarrassing the puppies last year. Conversely, one of the most joyous college football experiences I have ever had. Gomer and I were at the game and you could absolutely sense that we had broken the entire state of Georgia’s spirit. God bless the ruthless Gators. I want them back!

Lets go over some questions La Esquina has heading into this rivalry game and we can circle back next week to assess how the boys did.

· Can Joe and Janoris contain A.J. Green?

· Will we put up some points against the horrible Willie Martinez led Georgia defense?

· Can we play the whole game turnover free (please just one game without a pick or fumble)?

· Will Caleb Sturgis miss anymore freaking kicks?

· Will any of the young receivers get in the game? Frankie Hammond anyone?

· How does Timmy respond after his worst game ever as a gator? Since Timmy is from Jacksonville I am sure he will be extra motivated (not that he needs any more motivation given last week’s performance).

· Does Brandon Spikes come back from injury and play like Brandon Spikes? He’s got to know his gator career is coming to an end. Go make the most of it Brandon.

I think we either blow Georgia out or outright lose the game. We can’t continue to squeak by teams with fortunate calls and the like. Either we start coming together and facialize Georgia or we finally drop one. It will not be another squeaky ugly gator win. It will be boom or bust this week. La Esquina has consulted the Oracle from the Matrix and that is what home girl had to say. I am the eternal optimist and have the utmost faith in our guys until proven otherwise. Gators roll 35-14.

Go Play Like Champions,

Go Twist the Knife,

Go Gators


Sunday, October 25, 2009

7-0 Bring on the Dogs

Figured I would put up some post game observations to see where we did things right this week and where we still have room to improve. Similar to last week I will cover some good, some not good and some stuff I saw around the rest of the country.

The Good:

1. Carlos Dunlap. This guy is a beast and is finally making some plays like we know he can. On a depleted Dline he really stepped up.

2. Running Game. 88 yards from Tebow, 90 from Rainey, nearly 40 from Moody. It's clear we can run the ball and its apparent we can do it with any of our backs. Hope Demps neck is ok and he is back 100% next week. Would still like to see Moody get some of those predictable Tebow carries.

3. Caleb Sturgis. Yes he missed a FG and an XP but he is young and bounces right back, handles pressure very well and is kicking off better as of late.

4. Play Calling. We did some things that were desperately lacking in previous weeks. Brought out the I formation that worked perfectly. Threw a bubble screen that also worked. Still need more of it but its a start.

5. Undefeated. 17 game win streak. 18 straight games with an interception for the defense.


The Not so Good:

1. Turnovers. I dont know what the heck happened to this team over the offseason but its like we caught the turnover bug. Both of those INTs were total team break downs from the play design to the blocking to the passes themselves.

2. Play Calling. For all the good I saw this week that made me feel like we are moving forward I still saw a lack of creativity and a tightness in the red zone. On the 100 yard INT return what were two receivers doing within feet of each other to the short side of the field?

3. QB Play. Tebow just looks totally out of sync right now and has all season. I think he really misses Mullen as he is just not comfortable right now. He looked very frustrated last night, with himself, the playcalling ,the line play. Losing Patchan seems to be effecting the line play way more than I thought, Carl Johnson is struggling at Tackle. Even with all the adversity he has to overcome Tebow is still double clutching, not looking at all his reads and making poor decisions.

4. Brandon James. Twice he made totally bonehead decisions on special teams and was lucky that one of them was taken away by a penalty.

5. Dustin Doe. From brilliant to moron in 4 seconds. I hope he gets grilled for that.

Around the Country:

1. USC. I know they dont play defense in the PAC-10 but I am really impressed with Matt Barkley and think that if he weren't injured at UW we might have 4 undefeateds with legit arguments at the BCSCG. Also, watching USC makes me really think "what if?" every time Damien Williams makes a play. Arkansas pulled some shady stuff to pry him away from us last minute and if not for that our WR depth this year would look a lot more impressive.

2. Bama. Why should I be scared of them? Their offensive is not nearly as balanced as people make it out to be. Their defense is good but so is ours. If we play them today the way we have been playing I still think we win but it would not be easy to watch. If we play to our potential we could beat them by double digits.

3. CJ Spiller. And Jamie Harper. I hate when Florida guys get away from us and land out of state but these two are looking really good out there for Clemson. And its not just that they played major roles in upsetting Miami, those two guys can play.

4. Kiffykins. Lane Kiffin just cant get out of his own way. On the road with a chance to win against the "without a doubt number 1 team" in the country he sets up for a field goal at a remarkably similar distance that his kicker had already missed twice on the day. I'm sure he will find some moral victory in this loss and turn it into a recruiting tool but if it weren't for Eric Berry and daddy's defense this guy wouldn't even be in these games.

5. The Dogs Bye. Athens is really hyped for the Cocktail party and they think that their off week will be the difference. Can't say I blame them. We look beatable and the extra week of rest and prep should help. But, really they aren't on our level this year and I can't see Tebow losing his last college game in his hometown.


There you have it. We are still the best team in the country and all the polls will show that this week. We will be favored in every game we play the rest of the season but we still need to tighten up in a number of areas if we expect to go undefeated.

We have gotten past two trap games and its now Georgia week. And nothing will cure what ails this team more than pounding the Poodles in Jacksonville. This is a rivalry week, time to show some fire and make some plays.

Go Gators

Friday, October 23, 2009

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT

Take some time by yourself, with nobody around and watch THIS VIDEO. You owe it to yourself, it's been a long week. I can't think of a better way to get hyped.

Go Gators.

MUST SEE

UF Dazzlers, Cheerleaders and multiple sports teams memebers re-make Michael Jackson Thriller video here:


LA ESQUINA

Welcome back to La Esquina. Let’s just do the damn thing.

I try not to gloat much but I can’t help myself in this instance. Below is an excerpt from last week’s article regarding the Arkansas game and I want you all to read it and thoroughly internalize it:

“This has all the makings of a trap game by all accounts…coming off a big win against LSU one would expect us to overlook a 3-2 team that has been somewhat inconsistent. But we won’t. And you know why? Because we have the built-in insurance policy that is Tim Tebow. The human safety net -- this is what separates us from the USC’s of the world who are good for one or two fluky losses a year even though their talent level is head and shoulders above that of their opponents. The whole team can be groggy, down, unmotivated, having a bad day…but you know there’s no way Timmy lets us lose a game like this. This is what he brings to the table above all else, the ability to wake up the team and utterly WILL us to victory when other similarly talented teams might flounder.”

That’s wassup with the wassup! This is why in my opinion Timmy is the frontrunner for the Heisman and should win it this year barring a nosedive by himself and/or the team. The guy is just special and without him, we would not be elite. Period. That last drive to win the game was quintessential Timmy.

Here are a few things about the Arkansas game that really bothered me:

· TURNOVERS: Four fumbles? Really? We had 9 all of last year and have nearly half as many in one game? Wake up guys…I can’t remember the last time a team was minus 4 in turnover differential and actually won the game? HOLD ON TO THE BALL! Crazy glue that sh*t to your hands…pretend it’s a big booby…do something, just squeeze that fu*ker tight and hold on.

· RED ZONE EFFICIENCY: We are awful, god awful this year in the red zone. Why are we having Cooper throw the ball off of a reverse down in the 10 yard line? Do the Florida Gators really need to be that gimmicky? It seems to me like those type of trick plays are much harder to execute when there is less field to work with because all the defenders are bunched up (i.e. don’t do that in the red zone). Also, TIM TEBOW TIM TEBOW TIM TEBOW. He is our quarterback, one of the best short yardage runners of all time and has the SEC overall TD record and is about to break Herschel Walker’s running TD record (and remember folks, he’s a quarterback, not a running back). Why don’t we just roll him out giving him an option to run or pass where he can look for Hernandez…a big Papi like that should be golden in the end zone with his size and skill. Sometimes I really think I am best suited to call the plays on offense…it just seems so obvious doesn’t it?

· REFEREES: I remember watching the game and registering a very unusual thought in the inner dwellings of my gator brain. I thought to myself, “damn, I don’t know about that one, I think we’re getting some calls here.” Then I looked around to make sure nobody heard me…as if it was an episode of Herman’s Head or something. Of course people can’t hear what I am thinking, but I am just so used to bitc*ing about calls that acknowledging we were getting some calls in our favor felt completely wrong. Like when you took money from your mom’s purse as a kid…just didn’t want to get busted. Anyways, those calls wouldn’t have changed the outcome of the game so to all the gator haters out there don’t get your panties in a bunch. The pass interference call was on first down when we had the ball at their 20 yard line, hardly a 9.0 on the fan freak-out Richter scale.

· O-LINE: Before last week’s game I would have said our line is the best in college football. With the way we were throwing people around and running the ball you would be hard pressed to find a more physical and productive line. Although in this game we couldn’t run the ball. The old dive play looked like poop and we were held to over 100 yards below our average on the ground. They also got a tremendous amount of pressure on Timmy (6 sacks). We have found out after the fact that Arkansas just out-schemed us by loading the box and utilizing slant pass rush concepts which we weren’t ready for. The gist of it is this; instead of bull rushing our lineman or speed rushing around them all of the guys on the D line rush in a slanted fashion to try to get in between the gaps of our guys. It seemed to work and I hope Addazio cleans this up. We are too big and too strong up front to let that happen. It also didn’t help that Timmy hung on to the ball too long without getting rid of it…but then again, much like Big Ben from the Steelers, that’s his game. He extends plays when there’s nothing there hoping to make something happen. I’ll take that trade off with Timmy all day. Like Big Carl Johnson was quoted as saying this week “Ya’ll just need to let Tim Tebow do Tim Tebow.”

· LACK OF BIG PLAYS ON D AND SPECIAL TEAMS: I think the D did fairly well in this game, and I’ll get more into that in a second, but what they didn’t do was create any turnovers. With all the playmakers we have that’s just inexcusable. Not 1 interception, not 1 recovered forced fumble. However, I will temper this by saying that the ball just wasn’t bouncing our way that game and that stuff happens some times. See the Carlos Dunlap play at the beginning of the game when he was deep in the backfield and caused a fumble that bounced off his helmet, which Arkansas miraculously recovered. Conversely, we had all kinds of mishandled snaps and the like and never recovered any of our fumbles. Also, memo to Brandon James…let’s get going on the returns. We need you BJ…and we don’t need you running the ball in the backfield, we need you taking kicks to the house. Cowboy up!

Here are a few things about the Arkansas game that I really liked, which people aren’t talking about much:

· PASSING GAME: We finally opened that motherfuc*er up and started chucking it. That deep bomb to Deonte was huge, we really needed that. We took a lot of shots down field and really should have had more success (one notable Riley Cooper drop on a surefire 64yd TD pass comes to mind). Anyways, Tebow threw for over 250 yards and attempted 27 passes, completing about 66%. That’s much better than we’d been doing in previous games. Not to mention that we got multiple pass interference calls out of it and that it helps to keep the defense honest. Very encouraging. Hopefully we can keep this up for the rest of the season.

· HEART: To win that kind of game after turning the ball over and generally playing like crap the whole game is huge. As much as I am distraught about the fact that we were that close to losing to Arkansas at home during homecoming, I am equally encouraged by the big brass balls these guys showed in coming back to pull this win out. Especially Timmy who never faltered. Don’t you get the feeling that if he really wants to he can tuck the ball and run for 8/9 yards every play? He was doing a lot of that on the last drive and it reminded me of the 4th quarter of the Oklahoma game last year. He is just CASH MONEY in those situations. I wouldn’t take anybody else in that spot, not Drew Breese, not Payton Manning…nobody…except for little baby Jesus Timmy Tebow.

· DEFENSE: Yes they gave up exactly 20 points (which oddly enough I predicted) but considering all of the turnovers and the bad field position the offense kept putting them in, coupled with Arkansas’s high powered passing attack and the injury to B-Spikes…that was a solid performance. I know that Janoris had a tough game but you know what…I don’t mind him making those mistakes (biting on the double moves) so much because he is being aggressive and trying to jump routes…unlike WPL in 2007 who gave a 10 yard cushion and never broke up a pass. Besides, on the long touchdown play Janoris gave up it has since come out that he was actually doing exactly what he was supposed to do, taking away the underneath route. Ahmad Black was supposed to be playing a deep Cover 2 and his responsibility was taking away the long ball. He should have been helping Janoris over the top and got caught playing too shallow for some reason…a mistake that he typically never makes. La Esquina will give him a pass this one time but the boys need to tighten that up a bit. On the flip side…is there a better corner in America than Joe Haden? Wow – homey is playing lights out. As good as he is in pass coverage I don’t think I have ever seen him miss a tackle…one of the best I have seen tackling in the open field.

· STURGIS: How about the new kid winning SEC special teams player of the week? He drilled that 51 yarder, had plenty of leg left and made that game winner with no problems whatsoever. Keep making kicks Caleb…or else La Esquina and the rest of the gator nation will pounce on your little kicker a$$ and choke you out.

***UNIFORM TANGENT*** So I was massively wrong last week when I predicted that the gators would have new unis for homecoming. However, I have some new inside information from the Dirtness who has a friend who works for Nike in their headquarters in Portland. The Dirtness assures me that new Nike proto-type unis will be unveiled for the FSU game (Timmy and Brandon and the rest of the senior’s last game in the swamp). It should be a very emotional game for all. I don’t know what they are going to look like but apparently they are completely different…a little futuristic looking maybe? Let’s hope I’m right about the unis this time.

This week we travel to go see Dan Mullen and Mississippi State (where we haven’t won since the mid 80s by the way in what has to be one of the weirdest statistics of all time). Fear not -- we have the better players, we have the better coaches and thus we are heavily favored. I do want to offer a cautionary tale though, look at what happened to Pete Carroll and USC when they went to Washington to play against their old offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian…they lost. There may be something to playing against somebody who knows your entire playbook and is also intimately familiar with your personnel. It certainly can’t hurt Mississippi State’s chances any. That’s why I think the 23 points we are favored by is way too high. Having said all of that, no way we lose. The real question is do we slog through another game half comatose like last week or do we finally open up the can of whoop ass this game? I am breaking tradition here and staying away from a score prediction. I am just all over the place here…could be a blow out could be a 4th quarter nail biter. Here are some things to look for:

· Does Dunlap finally bust out and have a 3 sack game?

· How does our interior D hold up with the following players out (Marsch, Howard, Trattou, Antwine and B-Spikes)? And yes I know they said Spikes was 50-50 but in Urban Meyer code that means there’s no way in hell he gets on the field. Remember when Deonte was “probable” for the Kentucky and LSU games?

· How does Janoris and the rest of the secondary respond after their worst outing of the year?

· Does the Mullen spread give our D any major headaches?

· Does Mullen bust out any trick plays? I wouldn’t put it past him…I am sure he wants this one bad.

· Does Moody finally have a huge break-out game? I think he explodes here…think virgin on prom night.

· Do we keep chucking the ball or go back to the power running game?

· Can Timmy put up some stats and build some Heisman momentum?

I will leave you all with one more thought…we are 6-0, #1 in the BCS, we are undefeated, we would still be favored against anybody we played RIGHT NOW and we still have little baby Jesus Timmy Tebow at the helm. Step back off the ledge folks and enjoy the game!


Thursday, October 22, 2009

GREAT INSIDE INFORMATION FROM ONE OF THE SCOUT.COM GUYS

It's been almost two months and now it is time for another Hollywood Bob's Private Screening. We will talk a great deal about this team and just what I think and am hearing is going on with the way they are currently playing. We will touch on some players that we haven't heard about, some that aren't getting on the field. We will of course give Bob's view on recruiting which is heating up.
As we move through this screening there are three main things I would like to discuss. First, the play of the team as it stands right now. Second, a look at some of the guys that aren't getting onto the field, some ideas of what is going on behind the scenes with the freshmen red shirting for this squad and a few others. Last, a look at recruiting where the Gators have been slow to garner commitments lately, but with about ten left to get, a lot of big time prospects are trying to jump in the boat.

I feel like I need to lead off the discussion of this Gator team and the day it is playing with my synopsis of the Arkansas game. We will get into the defense, which didn't have it's best game, but I have to start on offense.
I provided for you earlier in the week a look at the 1st down play calling along with a break down of the five-wide formations that were run in the game. I honestly went into those believing that they were not going to look pretty at all. What I came away with from both was that while they weren't glowing endorsements of the offense, they certainly weren't as bad as what I thought and what most people thought. They certainly can be better, you know that, I know that, and most importantly the staff and team knows that.
On first downs I noted that they used a good mixture of pass and run, much more than they had done through the first five games. They were pretty successful on first down. On the five wide formations, there were some big tendencies there, but again, they were relatively close to 50% success rate in the five wide set, so it wasn't terrible, but certainly below their standards they have set.
One tendency in the five wide that has to get corrected or looked at is the fact that of Tim Tebow's 12 sacks this season he has taken this year, nine have come from the five-wide formation. I will go back to my theory that a quarterback should never get sacked in the five wide UNLESS there is a defender that comes free up the middle or there is a bad snap that the quarterback has to deal with.
What I have come to learn is that there are some schematic issues involved and it sounds like offensive coordinator Steve Addazio and company is going to work to correct as much as they can and change some things up. Addazio has to be a little coy about it, but he touched on it yesterday.
“(It was ) a combination all over the place,” Addazio told the media Tuesday about all the pressure and sacks that Tebow has endured. “ We have a good front and we have to make sure we take care of the little things. It was something schematic. Sometimes in empty they can bring five, but they can bait you in one spot and they can come one plus in another spot.”
“Sometimes we work at trying to cover that and we can't. You wish it was just (one thing) and just change (the one thing). In empty it is the goal of the defense to work on bringing that one-plus guy.
The Gators were just out schemed at times. Where as LSU just played straight up and tried to beat the Gators up front, Arkansas used slant rushed and all kinds of gimmicks to get to the backfield and it caused some headaches. Most of it was just a hair off from actually working and watching the film actually showed that.
Defenses are trying to be tricky up front and Arkansas was successful. This is how the offensive linemen graded out well and still allowed six sacks. They followed their assignments and the staff realizes that they need to change things up front.
“There are little things, some are five-man, some six-man protections,” Addazio said. “We can't say this guy is wrong because they had a walk up guy that is a sift and bailed, then he came. There are a lot of little things going on. I think it's all centered on each of the little things you see we need to do a little better. It starts with the front, goes to the backs, to the receivers, goes to the quarterback and then to me...right here (pointing to himself)."
Given the choice, Florida wants a one on one battle between their linemen and defenders, Florida has to have some of the most powerful and dominating linemen in the country and would beat most linemen head to head.
The second tendency that was big time in the Arkansas game is that on every third and long (3rd and 6 or more), the Gators were in a five wide formation. That is eight out of eight chances. They didn't do the same in the LSU game, so it isn't a multi game tendency, still by the fifth or sixth one you are giving your opponents an advantage because they know the personnel you are going to trot onto the field and also what formation you are going to be in to run a play. That I imagine won't happen again.

The Gators actually put themselves in bad down and distances because of bad plays on second downs. The myth here is that Florida continuously ran dive plays into eight and nine men in the box. That just didn't happen. I re-watched the game and the Gator offense ran up the middle with the backs just eight times in the game. On six of those times there were six or fewer in the box. On one of the two with more than six, Demps hit the outside and scored on his ten yard touchdown.
As a matter of fact, Addazio cleared the air that the runs in the middle are not straight Dive plays, but Tebow has a read of when to hand off,. Keep or pitch to someone else.
“Our play isn't a dive play, it is an option play,” he said. “It can be a two way or a three way option. We were heavy run going into that game and that is why the play action pass was so incredibly wide open. We were pleased with that and I thought it worked out well for us. We didn't run the ball as much as previous weeks but we threw it more.”
“We are creative with the running game, we were the number one rushing team in America (going in), I would say we were pretty creative. We balanced out this past week. There were a lot less run calls.”
“There were a mixture of runs. There were different tracked plays, stretches, middle zones, tight zones. It may not have looked that way to you, but that is what they were. There were different zone plays and that is what we are a zone running team. There was a lot of variety in there.”
I think all of this needs to be taken in by everyone and soaked in. Watching the game over again, looking at a play by play and it's many parts, can really help. Over and over again this staff was accused of not making adjustments. Well, if you look at the drive chart on the box score, the offense went missed field goal, punt, fumble, fumble, fumble, field goal, field goal, punt, fumble touchdown, punt, touchdown, field goal. The Gators were 0-5 scoring on their first five possessions with three turnovers, then scored on five of their last eight series including to touchdowns and a field goal in their final four drives.
What this game showed was the determination of this team to fight through the adversity.
“I am fired up about the resolve and demeanor of our football team,” Addazio said. “We had four turnovers and two inside the red zone and just kept battling. In that last drive, there was a strong will. A year ago (against Ole Miss) we didn't have that. We had a will on this team to go win that game. We were moving the ball in that game and just self destructing a lot of times. It wasn't always perfect, but we were moving the ball. There was frustration but confidence that we were going to move the ball and win the game.”
“You give your team a lot of credit for their grit, toughness, and determination...that is the sign of a good football team. However, you can't go out and put yourself in that position and again and expect to win games week in and week out.”
In the end what we have from Addazio and Meyer earlier in the week is the admittance that they need to change up scheme wise. Without blurting that out to everyone and their sister so teams can account for it, I think they are probably going to start using more protection. Protecting Tebow will change from this point.
“I don't like the fact that there are a lot of sacks for a lot of reasons, but fundamentally I am a line coach and it bothers me,” Addazio said. “I don't like seeing that and protection is very important to me.”
Addazio also made a brief statement that they are going to alter the Banzai package and really try to up tempo instead of just getting lined up on the field and looking over for a play call that takes a great deal of time.
“We need to get some tempo going,” he said. “We have to do some other things, some up tempo things and not stand there and watch it so much.”
On defense the issues were more mental than physical. The most troubling thing to me were the broken tackles and missed tackles. That just can't happen to this defense. I am not sure why it did, but I know that Charlie Strong was really pissed and embarrassed about this right after the game.
The mental things were kind of a fluke. On the long touchdown strike, that was simply Ahmad Black failing to understand he was in a cover-2 and had the deep hash on the play. It looked like Janoris was covering the guy but he is supposed to cover the short flat and then the outside and Black has the inside. Black was playing up and never went to his zone area of the field. He simply does not make those errors very often.
Jenkins was to blame on the hitch and go. Poor Janoris got caught trying to steal signals and thought it was a straight hitch and bit. It was a well designed and elaborate scheme and they knew just when to do it. Janoris was very pissed at himself after the game.
Okay, I am done with what I saw and the changes we should see in the offense from the Arkansas game, let's talk ab little bit about personnel.
First thing is first and the play or lack there of from Emmanuel Moody. They aren't willing to say it, but Moody had something else happen to keep him from getting carries, not just his play on the field.
Whether that is bad practice habits or off the field habits, something has caused there to be a breach in his playing time. If anything Kudos should go to Meyer and company for sticking to their guns and not throwing the kid under the bus.
Having said that, I hear it is time. I heard it first hand and we should see it this week. According to Addazio, he wants it too.
“We are fired up about how Emmanuel Moody is playing right now,” he said. “He is running hard and taking care of that ball and he looks good right now. There is no decision or action holding him back right now. We have three talented backs and it is hard to get them all touches. Anyone of them can go (the distance) anytime they touch the ball. Moody is so darn powerful and quick.”
This should happen this week.
At receiver, you are just going to have to wait to get new bodies on the field. The staff and I both believe that Nelson, Deonte, and James are better RIGHT NOW, than the trio of TJ Lawrence, Frankie Hammond, and Omarius Hines. If they believe this and still are having a tough time getting the previous guys touches, how is it going to be different getting the new guys touches.
Basically, Thompson, Nelson, and James haven't even had a chance to do their thing yet.
They fix this by not getting sacked and getting good protection up front and being able to pass the ball more instead of scrambling. Given what Addazio said above, these are the basic things they are working on the most.
On the offensive line the issue has become left tackle. Carl Johnson is decent, but the Florida offense puts a premium on offensive line and being able to handle certain duties. Johnson is a bear at guard and evidently the best they have at left tackle as well. In order to spread the wealth on the line, Addazio moved Mike Pouncey to the left side to help stabilize that side. A lot have questioned the move, but they have moved guys around a lot to get their best unit on the field.
“We aren't doing it just to do it,” Addazio said of the move. “We moved Mike Pouncey because we wanted another veteran guy on the left side of the line. Other than that it should stay the same,unless we get injuries.”
I keep hearing that Xavier Nixon is doing well. If he continues to pick up the offense at a fast pace, I could see him really helping here. They also like David Young a great deal. Don't be shocked if a healthy Sam Robey can allow moving a Pouncey way outside to tackle also. Quicker feet and very powerful also go a long way in a zone blocking offensive tackle.
The defensive line will get better when Jaye Howard is healthy. He is the play making presence in the middle when healthy and will also play the nose in the Joker package (three man line) when the Gators want more pass rush, since Trattou is out. Lemmens gets that duty right now and look for Earl Okine to possibly get some reps in there. If Howard is not healthy Omar Hunter will back up Lemmens in the Joker package.
It is crazy,but Lawrence Marsh's injury is nothing more than a very bad high ankle sprain unless there is some hidden break they can't find somewhere. He is just going to have to wait it out and get healthy.
The Gators really aren't getting anything out of Troy Epps or Edwin Herbert and I wouldn't expect anything from either.
One guy you will hear a lot about starting next year is Gary Brown. He has really reshaped his body since he has arrived and is doing very well. What is going to make Brown so great is his versatility inside as he is a 300 pounder that is a play maker and so he can play both the three technique and the nose. The trio of Brown, Howard, and Hunter will be sick in two years.
I expect Spikes to play this week, but you never know with a groin injury. I was told by one great source that Jelani Jenkins was back at practice on Sunday and he should be able to go this Saturday. Jenkins isn't ready mentally to get on the field yet, but physically he is as good as any of the smaller linebackers on the team.
By the way, the linebacker playing the best right now is AJ Jones. He is flying around everywhere and making plays. One enigma to me is Bostic on the sideline given how much Spikes has been out, but if these were 40 point wins Bostic would have played a lot already.
I talked about the corner play earlier. Not much more to add here except that Adrian Bushell may not miss a beat next year if Joe Haden decides to leave like I expect he will. The staff loves Bushell and he practices at a very high level. With Wondy and Markihe graduating, he will get a ton of time.
Dee Finley is quietly making a name for himself on the practice field also. He will stick at safety, but is waiting his turn. I expect Dorian Munroe back no later than the Georgia game from his meniscus injury.
Tomorrow we will go deep into recruiting and it should be a fun read...

Georgia LabraDoodles




I know we have to worry about facing Jedi Master Dan Mullen first.

But I also want to get some of you licking you chops thinkin bout the Ass whooping we are gonna put on Georgia this Halloween.

Here is a reminder.



Go Kill Hypoallergenic Dogs
Go Gators

More Chuck Klosterman

If you enjoyed the book excerpt by Chuck Klosterman he is on Bill Simmons' ESPN's "Sports Guy" newest pod cast....linked below.

In part one, Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman discuss their new books, the Beatles, Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech, the JFK assassination and more.


http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/player?id=4582156

Go Read More and Get More Brain
Go Gators

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Who is John Brantley?

This was on ESPN leading up to the LSU game where we almost saw JB's first start. Hopefully, we won't be seeing that this season while Tebow and the rest of the offense get rolling. Still, something to save away for next season.

Superb Article on Football "MUST READ"



I normally don't do this but I think this is great book excerpt that appeared on ESPN. It is def. worth the time. It is a long article but if you love football more than entertainment you should read this. It will better the knowledge of MGN readers. Kolsterman has another book
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. This is from his new one.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=klosterman/091019

Monday, October 19, 2009
Updated: October 20, 3:06 AM ET
"Eating the Dinosaur": Football

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Chuck Klosterman
Special to Page 2


Editor's note: The following is an excerpt from Chuck Klosterman's new book, "Eating the Dinosaur," copyright 2009 by Chuck Klosterman. Reprinted by permission of Scribner, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.


1. As I type this sentence, I'm watching the Michigan Wolverines play the Minnesota Golden Gophers in football. Michigan is bad this year and the Gophers are better than expected, but Michigan is winning easily. They're winning by running the same play over and over and over again. Very often, it seems to be the only effective play they have. It has certain similarities to the single-wing offenses from the 1950s, but the application is new and different. It's called the read option.



As of this moment in 2008, the read option is by far the most pervasive offensive play in college football and an increasingly popular gadget play in pro football, especially for the Miami Dolphins (who run it by moving quarterback Chad Pennington to wide receiver and using running back Ronnie Brown at QB, a formation commonly called the Wildcat). If somebody makes a movie about American life a hundred years from now and wants to show a fictionalized image of what football looked like, this is the play they should try to cinematically replicate1. Every week of autumn, I watch between nine and fifteen hours of football; depending on who's playing, I probably see this play eighty to a hundred and fifty times a weekend. Michigan has just run it three times in succession. This play defines the relationship between football and modernity; it's What Interesting Football Teams Are Doing Now. And it's helped me rethink the relationship between football and conservatism, a premise I had long conceded but never adequately questioned.


2. Okay ... Let me begin by recognizing that you -- the reader of this book -- might not know much about football. In fact, you might hate football, and you might be annoyed that it's even included in this collection. I'm guessing at least fifty potential buyers flipped through the pages of this book inside a store, noticed there was a diagram of a football play on page 125, and decided not to buy it. This is a problem I have always had to manage: Roughly 60 percent of the people who read my books have a near-expert understanding of sports, but the remaining 40 percent have no interest whatsoever. As such, I will understand if you skip to the next essay, which is about ABBA. But before you give up, let me abridge the essence of the previous paragraph: The aforementioned "read option" is an extremely simple play. The main fellow for the offense (this would be the quarterback, whom you might remember as a popular guy from high school who dated lots of girls with bleached hair) receives the ball deep in the backfield and "reads" the weakside defensive end ("read" is the football term for "looks at and considers," while "weakside" refers to whatever side of the field has fewer offensive players). If the defensive player attacks upfield, the quarterback keeps the ball and runs it himself, essentially attacking where the defensive end used to be (and where a running lane now exists). If the defensive end "stays home" (which is the football term for "remains cautious and orthodox"), there's usually no running lane for the quarterback, so the QB hands the ball to the running back moving in the opposite direction (which is generally the strong side). Basically, the read option is just the quarterback making a choice based on the circumstance -- he either runs the ball himself in one direction, or he hands the ball off in the opposing direction.


Now, why should this matter to you (or anyone)? Here is the simplest answer: Twenty-five years ago, the read option didn't exist. Coaches would have given a dozen reasons why it couldn't be used. Ten years ago, it was a play of mild desperation, most often used by teams who couldn't compete physically. But now almost everyone uses it. It's the vortex of an offensive scheme that has become dominant. But ten years from now -- or even less, probably -- this play will have disappeared completely. In 2018, no one will run it, because every team will be running something else. It will have been replaced with new thinking. And this is football's interesting contradiction: It feels like a conservative game. It appeals to a conservative mind-set and a reactionary media and it promotes conservative values. But in tangible practicality, football is the most progressive game we have -- it constantly innovates, it immediately embraces every new technology2, and almost all the important thinking about the game is liberal. If football was a politician, it would be some kind of reverse libertarian: staunchly conservative on social issues, but freethinking on anything related to policy. So the current upsurge of the read option is symbolic of something unrelated to the practice of football; it's symbolic of the nature of football and how that idea is misinterpreted because of its iconography.


So there you go.


If you'd still rather get to the s--- about ABBA, you should go there now.


3. The single most radical aspect of football is something most casual (and even most serious) fans take for granted: Football added the forward pass. It was an extraneous addition to the original game, implemented long after the sport had gained national attention. There is no corollary for this in any other meaningful spectator sport. The DH rule in baseball and the three-point line in hoops are negligible when compared to the impact of passing; it would be like golf suddenly allowing tackling on the putting green. By now, watching football on television is mostly the act of watching passing -- in 2008, the NFL's worst passing team (the Oakland Raiders) still gained more yards through the air than all but five teams gained rushing. At the NCAA level in '08, seven of the starting quarterbacks in the Big 12 Conference completed 65 percent of all the passes they attempted, a rate of success that made running the ball seem almost wasteful. Passing is what drives the sport and passing is what sells the sport. But passing only exists because of violence.


Imagine football at the turn of the twentieth century, before passing was part of the game: How would it look? The entire game is contained in the middle of the field, away from the sidelines. There's almost no benefit in aligning defensive players away from the ball, because there's no way for the offense to take advantage of their tight proximity. Instead of ten yards for a first down, teams only need five. As a result, every single play is like a goal-line surge during a driving blizzard -- the best strategy is to simply pound the ball straight ahead. And because this is the nineteenth century (which means equipment is essentially nonexistent), football is a laughably violent undertaking. It's nothing but a series of collisions, sporadically interrupted by one or two touchdowns and a whole lot of punting. In 1905, eighteen college kids die from playing football. President Theodore Roosevelt sees a photograph of Swarthmore lineman Bob Maxwell walking off the field after a game against Penn, and he's so utterly pummeled and disgusting that Roosevelt (despite being a fan) decides that football needs to be outlawed. This becomes a hot-button issue for a year. Finally, Roosevelt decides that football can continue to exist, but only if some of the rules are changed. One change increases the distance needed for a first down. Another legalizes passing, which has been going on illegally (but often unpenalized) for decades. Essentially, Roosevelt decriminalizes the passing game. And this decriminalization actually makes the rules of football easier to comprehend: Previously, it had been unclear how referees were expected to enforce a penalty for forward passing -- there wasn't a rule against passing, much as there isn't any rule against making your slotback invisible. How do you legislate against something no one had previously imagined? When an illegal forward pass was used by Yale against Princeton in 1876, the ref allegedly decided to allow the play to stand after flipping a coin. Action had evolved faster than thought.


Interestingly, Roosevelt's rule changes did not significantly alter the violent nature of college football; by 1909, the number of nationwide deaths from football had risen to thirty-three. But these changes totally reinvented the intellectual potential for football. It was like taking the act of punching someone in the face and shaping it into boxing. Suddenly, there were multiple dimensions to offense -- the ball could rapidly be advanced on both its X and Y axis. The field was technically the same size, but it was vaster. You could avoid the brutality of trench warfare by flying over it. It liberalized the sport without eliminating its conservative underpinnings: Soldiers were still getting their skulls hammered in the kill zone, but there was now a progressive, humanitarian way to approach the offensive game plan. Size mattered less (Knute Rockne's 1913 Notre Dame squad was able to famously slay a much bigger Army juggernaut by out-passing them), but it was still a game where blocking and tackling appeared to be the quintessence of what it was about. It was at this point that football philosophy forked: There were now two types of football coaches, as diametrically opposed (and as profoundly connected) as Goldwater and McGovern. By portraying itself as the former while operating as the latter, football became the most successful enterprise in American sports history.


4. As of this morning, I am one of only forty million Americans who receive the NFL Network in their living room. This is less than the number of Americans who get BBC America, the Golf Channel, or VH1 Classic. The NFL Network has only existed for five years. However, I can tell it's going to succeed. I can tell by the sheer amount of time I end up watching it during the day, even when the network is doing nothing except repeating and promoting the same information I didn't need to know yesterday. Because of the NFL Network, I've been convinced to consume information about issues I previously saw as ridiculous. I (now) watch the NFL draft combine every spring. I am (now) acutely aware of what's happening in the off-season owners' meetings. One night in July, I watched the Seattle Seahawks work on a seven-on-seven passing drill for forty minutes. I wouldn't classify any of these things as phenomena I care about, but they are things I still watch, particularly when they compete against other pre-recorded TV shows that don't feel like news, despite the fact that the Seahawks' seven-on-seven passing drill isn't "news" any more than Panda Nursery.


What the NFL has realized is that they have no better marketing tool than the game itself. Every other sport tries to fool us. Baseball sells itself as some kind of timeless, historical pastime that acts as the bridge to a better era of American life, an argument that now seems beyond preposterous. The NBA tries to create synergy with anything that might engage youth culture (hip-hop, abstract primordial competition, nostalgia for the 1980s, the word "amazing," Hurricane Katrina, etc.). NASCAR connects itself to red state contrarianism. Soccer aligns itself with forward-thinking globalists who enjoy fandom more than sports. But football only uses football. They are the product they sell. Unlike David Stern's failed vision for the NBA, the NFL Network does not try to expand its empire by pushing the sport toward nonchalant audiences with transitory interest; it never tries to trick anybody into watching something they don't already like. Instead, the NFL Network's goal is to enliven its base. It solely tries to (a) make football essential to people, and (b) make football more essential to those who are already invested. The casual fan does not matter. In essence, the NFL Network works exactly like FOX News: It stays on message and invents talking points for its core constituency to absorb. If Donovan McNabb is temporarily benched for Kevin Kolb during week ten of the season, that decision is turned into a collection of questions for football people to ponder until Sunday. How will McNabb react? Is his career at a crossroads? Has Eagles coach Andy Reid lost control of his offense? How will this impact your fantasy team? These are the ideas football fans are supposed to talk about during the run-up to week eleven, and the NFL Network ensures that those debates will be part of the public discourse. It does not matter that McNabb did not lose his job or if the Eagles are out of playoff contention. By inventing and galvanizing the message, the NFL Network (and by extension the NFL) can always deliver the precise product people want. They construct how I think about pro football.


This is the genius of the NFL, and it is how they came to power long before they had their own network: The league can always make people think they're having the specific experience they desire, even if they're actually experiencing the opposite. Pete Rozelle -- the greatest sports commissioner in world history -- did this better than anyone. He convinced America that football was conservative. During the 1970s, he tried to stop NFL players from having long locks and facial hair, and he mostly succeeded (and even when he failed -- as with the Jets' Joe Namath and the miscreants on the Raiders -- those failures worked to the league's advantage by appealing to the antiauthority minority). He created a seamless relationship with NFL Films, an organization that specialized in cinematically lionizing the most old-school elements of the game (blood, mud, the frozen breath of Fran Tarkenton, Jack Lambert's missing teeth, etc.). He fostered the idea of the Dallas Cowboys as "America's team," led by a devout Catholic quarterback who had served in Vietnam. He made football replace baseball in every meaningful, nationalistic way. And he did this while simultaneously convincing all the league's owners to adopt revenue sharing, arguably the most successful form of socialism in U.S. history. The reason the NFL is so dominant is because the NFL is basically Marxist. This was Rozelle's greatest coup, and everybody knows it. But you'd never guess that from watching the NFL Network. Marxism is not a talking point.


And that's smart, too. The mechanics of distraction are not to be seen.


For the past fifteen years, the face of Old World pro football has been Brett Favre. He was the most beloved sports media figure I'd ever witnessed. The adoration was inescapable. Favre has always been among my favorite players, but even I had a hard time listening to broadcasters rave about his transcendent grit3. The rhetoric never evolved: "He just loves to play the game. He just loves to throw the old pigskin around the old backyard. He just wears Wrangler jeans and forgets to shave. Sure, he throws a few picks now and then, but that's just because he's a gunslinger. That's just Brett being Brett." He was so straightforward and authentic that analysts were unable to discuss Brett Favre without using the word just somewhere in the sentence. He was the human incarnation of how the NFL hopes to portray itself -- as a collection of unpretentious throwbacks who still manage to thrive inside a civilized, nonwarrior society. He directly appealed to the self-righteous, reactionary mentality of the American sports media. Favre is football, or at least he seems to be. And the operative word here is seems. He seems essential, but he isn't. The men who truly dictate the reality of modern football are not like Brett Favre; the men who dictate the reality of modern football are generally classified as nuts.


2a. This is another message for non-football followers who are nonetheless reading this essay out of literary obligation, mild interest, or sheer boredom: You might consider skipping most of the next section. Just skim down to the last paragraph in 3A and continue on from there. Thanks.


3a. Right now, the most interesting coach in America is Mike Leach of Texas Tech, a former lawyer who's obsessed with pirates and UFOs and grizzly bears. He never played football at the college level and barely played in high school. But his offensive attack at Texas Tech is annually the best in the country, and it seems to be the best no matter who his players happen to be. The Red Raiders play football the way eleven-year-old boys play Xbox: They throw on almost every down, they only punt when the situation is desperate, and they'll call the same play over and over and over again. The Texas Tech linemen use unnaturally wide line splits and the quarterback lines up in the shotgun, even when the offense is inside the five-yard line. If you describe the Red Raiders' style of play to any traditional football follower without mentioning the team's name, they reflexively scoff. But Texas Tech hammers people. Over the past five years they've outscored opponents by an average score of 39.4 to 24.8 while outgaining them by over nine thousand yards, despite the fact that Tech is forced to recruit second-tier high school players who are overlooked by Texas and Oklahoma. Everywhere Leach has gone, he's had success -- as an assistant at the University of Kentucky, he found ways to turn an ungifted quarterback (Tim Couch) into a Heisman candidate who passed for 8,400 yards and was drafted first overall by the Cleveland Browns. In a single season assisting at Oklahoma, he designed the offense that would ultimately win a national championship. So how did he do it? What is the secret to his brilliance?


"There's two ways to make it more complex for the defense," Leach told journalist Michael Lewis, writing for The New York Times Magazine. "One is to have a whole bunch of different plays, but that's no good because then the offense experiences as much complexity as the defense. Another is a small number of plays run out of lots of different formations. That way, you don't have to teach a guy a new thing to do. You just have to teach him new places to stand."


It's easy to overlook the significance of this kind of quote, mostly because it seems obvious and casual and reductionist. But it's none of those things. It's an almost perfect description of how thinking slightly differently can have an exponential consequence, particularly when applied to an activity that's assumed to be inflexible. There is this inherent myth about football that suggests offensive success comes in one of two ways: You can run a handful of plays with extreme precision, or you can run a multitude of different plays in the hope of keeping defenses confused. The Green Bay Packers of the Lombardi era embraced the former philosophy (they rarely used more than fifteen different plays in the course of any game, but the fifteen they ran were disciplined and flawless), as did the straightforward running attack of USC during the 1970s and early '80s4. Two modern coaches (Steve Spurrier and Urban Meyer) have both found success at the talent-rich University of Florida, seemingly by never running the same play twice. But the inverted thinking of Mike Leach allows Texas Tech to do both: If Texas Tech focuses on only fifteen different plays -- but runs them all out of twenty different formations -- they're instantly drawing from a pool of three hundred options, all of which could still be executed with the repetitive exactitude of the Packers' power sweep. It wasn't that Leach out-thought everybody else; it was merely that he thought differently. Instead of working within the assumed parameters of football, he decided to expand what those parameters were. For a while, that made him seem like a crazy person. But this is how football always evolves: Progressive ideas are introduced by weirdos and mocked by the world, and then everybody else adopts and refines those ideas ten years later. To wit:


• Bill Walsh, the architect of the San Francisco 49ers dynasty, who built the West Coast offense on an interesting combination of mathematics and psychology: He realized that any time a team rushed for four yards on the ground, the play was viewed as a success. However, any time a team completed a pass that gained four yards, the defense assumed they had made a successful stop. Walsh understood that the two situations were identical. By viewing the passing game as a variant of the running game, he changed everything about how football is played.


• Sam Wyche, the principal innovator of the no-huddle offense: Wyche was known for having curious ideas about everything, but his theory of a chaotic attack (that ignored the pre-snap huddle in order to generate matchup problems and tire defenses) is now common. In 1989, Wyche's Cincinnati Bengals played the Buffalo Bills in a play-off game. Members of the Bills defense constantly feigned injury in order to stop the Bengals from rushing to the line of scrimmage. Prior to the game, Bills coach Marv Levy had openly questioned the moral credibility of Wyche's approach. The following season, Levy stole the Bengals' no-huddle offense and went on to play in four straight Super Bowls.


• Darrel "Mouse" Davis, the passing guru who popularized the Run and Shoot offense: Nobody really runs the Run and Shoot anymore (it didn't really work whenever a team was inside the twenty), but almost every pass-first coach has stolen some of its principles. One of these principles was allowing wide receivers to make adjustments to their pass routes while they were running them, so-called "choice routes"5 that are especially popular with present-day slot receivers like Wes Welker and Anthony Gonzalez. The one-RB, four-WR offensive set Davis invented at Portland State in the late 1970s is standard today, even though it seemed otherworldly and unstoppable at the time: In 1980, Portland State beat Delaware State 105-0 and Cal Poly Pomona 93-7. Mouse may have been a genius, but he was something of a [jerk].


• Mike Martz, a lunatic whom no one seems to respect6 but who consistently creates innovation by ignoring conventional thinking. Sometimes, this hurts him (while coaching the St. Louis Rams, Martz seemed briefly obsessed with the possibility of onside kicking when the Rams were ahead). But sometimes his strange mind leads him to interesting places: Fundamentally, it was always believed that receivers should run in straight lines and make their downfield cuts at hard angles. Martz considered the possibility of WRs running curved pass patterns, a subtle change that helped make the Rams impossible to contain during the late nineties.


• Dick LeBeau: In 1984, as a coordinator in Cincinnati, he borrowed basketball philosophies to develop the "zone blitz" -- the concept of attacking the opposing QB with linebackers and defensive backs while dropping hulking defensive linemen into pass coverage. In '84, the idea of using a 270-pound defensive end in the secondary seemed about as practical as using a sledgehammer to fix a clock radio. But by the turn of the century, the zone blitz was everywhere.


• Gus Malzahn, the unheralded offensive coordinator at the University of Tulsa7 who took Wyche's hurry-up offense to its illogical extreme: The goal of Malzahn's approach is to play at full speed at all times, lengthening the game and wearing out opponents mentally and physically. As a high school coach at tiny Shiloh Christian in Arkansas, he once won a play-off game by a score of 70 to 64. In that contest, his quarterback passed for 672 yards. Tulsa averaged 47.2 points per game in 2008.


• Steve Humphries, a bored high school coach in Piedmont, California, who came up with the A-11 offense: The A-11 exploited a loophole in the rulebook allowing every player on the field to become an eligible pass receiver during kicking situations. The A-11 also employs two quarterbacks simultaneously, making every snap a gadget play. Because of its reliance on a bad rule, the A-11 is being outlawed by the National Federation of High Schools -- but elements of the scheme will still be adopted by every coordinator who takes the time to study it. Even more radical are mathematical minds like Kevin Kelley of Pulaski Academy in Arkansas, a high school coach who went 13-1 and won the Arkansas 5A title in 2007 by never punting the football all season, even when his team was pinned inside its own ten-yard line. All of Kelley's in-game decisions are considered from a risk-reward standpoint, exclusively viewed through statistical probability; he has concluded that the upside of working with an extra play on every set of downs is greater than the risk of surrendering thirty-five yards of field possession on every change of possession. His numeric strategy is also applied to kickoffs -- Pulaski onside kicks about 75 percent of the time. Despite their success, just about everyone who watches Pulaski Academy play still thinks they're joking. "You can just tell people are in the stands thinking, 'You're an idiot,'" Kelley said after winning the championship.


I could list these types of guys ad nauseam. I could include everyone from Sid Gillman8 to Emory Bellard9 to Don Coryell10. But the size of the list doesn't matter; what matters is how these men were all criticized in the same way. Whenever an innovation fails to result in a title, its unorthodoxy takes the hit; every time a football coach tries something unorthodox, he is blasted for not playing "the right way." But all that "not playing the right way" means is that a coach is ignoring the eternal lie of football: the myth that everything done in the past is better than anything that could be invented in the present. As a result, the public arm of football -- the conservative arm -- bashes innovation immediately, even while adopting the principles it attacks11. The innovators are ridiculed. And that kind of reaction is reassuring to fans, because it makes us feel like football is still the same game we always want to remember. It has a continuity of purpose. It symbolizes the same ideals and appeals to the same kind of person. It feels conservative, but it acts liberal. Everything changes, but not really.


1a. As I continue to watch Michigan's quarterback run the read option against the Gophers, I now find myself wondering if this play is authentically simple or quietly complex. The read option is a combination of three rudimentary elements of football: spreading the field, running a back off tackle, and the quarterback keeper. It would be an easy play to teach and a safe play to run, even for junior high kids. But it's still new. It didn't really exist in the 1970s and '80s, and when I first saw it employed in the late '90s, it seemed like an idiotic innovation. It seemed like a way to get your quarterback killed without taking advantage of your tailback. I had always believed teams could not succeed by running the ball out of the shotgun formation. I thought it would never happen. But I was wrong. And I suspect the reason I was wrong was not because I didn't understand what was happening on this specific play; I suspect it was because I felt like I already understood football. I had played football and written about football and watched it exhaustively for twenty years, so I thought I knew certain inalienable truths about the game. And I was wrong. What I knew were the assumed truths, which are not the same thing. I had brainwashed myself. I was unwilling to admit that my traditional, conservative football values were imaginary and symbolic. They belonged to a game I wasn't actually watching but was still trying to see.


Over time, I realized this had happened with almost every aspect of my life.


3b. When we think of football, we think of Woody Hayes, or at least we think of men like Woody Hayes, even if we don't know who Woody Hayes is. Hayes coached Ohio State for twenty-eight years, won five national championships, never asked for a pay raise, and ended his career in disgrace by punching an opposing player in the Gator Bowl. "Show me a gracious loser," he would say, "and I will show you a busboy." People who write books about Woody Hayes give them titles like War as They Knew It and note his hatred for popular culture (Hayes was memorably outraged by a reference to lesbianism in Paul Newman's hockey film Slap Shot). His quarterbacks never passed12, his linebackers always went to class, and every kid who loved him lived in a state of perpetual fear. It felt normal. That's what football is. These are the types of images we want to associate with the essence of the game. Bill Parcells used to refer to wideout Terry Glenn as "she" during press conferences. That's what football is. Barry Sanders running to daylight. Earl Campbell running to darkness. Settling for a field goal late in the first half. Playing for field position when the weather is inclement. Blocking sleds. Salt tablets. Richard Nixon's favorite sport. That's what football is, always -- and if we stopped believing that, it would seem to matter less.


But that isn't what football is.


It isn't. It changes more often than any sport we have. Football was Nixon's favorite sport, but it was Hunter S. Thompson's favorite, too. Football coaches will try anything. They're gonzo. In the 1970s, teams only used a 3-4 defense13 if their defensive personnel was flawed. During the early eighties, that assumption changed; the new objective was to cover the field with as many linebackers as possible. Suddenly, nobody was playing a 4-3 except Dallas. But then the '85 Bears hammered people with their 4614 defense, so every coordinator decided he had to create his own bastardized version of the 46. As a result, the only teams that still played 3-4 were the ones with defensive flaws, exactly how things had been originally. Every innovation is seen as a positive innovation, even if it has a negative result. Throughout the 1980s, the hot trend in the NFL was barefoot place kickers. A few guys even punted barefoot. It retrospect, this was probably the strangest fad in football history (it was the sports equivalent of peg-rolling your Guess jeans, which was going on at about the same time). There is absolutely no reason that kicking a football without a shoe could be better than the alternative, particularly when one is outdoors in the dead of winter. But this is what people did. Someone tried it, so it must be worth trying. When my friends and I played four-on-four football at recess, we would remove our moon boots and kick the Nerf pigskin with raw toes, even when the ground was blanketed by nineteen inches of snow. We thought we were being tough. We were actually being liberal.


2b. "In those days football seemed the almost perfect sport and it seemed unlikely we could ever get enough of it," David Halberstam wrote in 1974, alluding to the NFL games he had watched with Gay Talese during the LBJ administration. "What we really rooted for was the game itself." Interestingly, the title of the magazine essay this comes from is "Sunday, Boring Sunday: A Farewell to Pro Football." Halberstam was bemoaning (what he considered to be) the sad decline of pro football during the seventies, a supposition that now seems totally wrong in every possible way15. A more prescient statement comes from something Halberstam wrote in 2006, again reminiscing about watching Johnny Unitas and Frank Gifford on black-and-white TV sets over twenty-five-cent beers: "Nobody needed to sell the NFL to us. We could see how good it was."


I am thirty-seven years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. For a few scant years, this did seem to happen -- my interest in pro sports decreased during the height of my college experience, and I missed one Super Bowl completely16. But since entering the workforce in the summer of '94, my obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.


My wife is awesome, but she hates football (as wives are wont to do). Every game seems the same to her. I will be watching a contest between Kent State and Eastern Michigan on a random Thursday night, and she will say, "Go ahead and watch that game. I will just sit here and read this magazine featuring a plus-sized black female TV personality from Chicago." Two days later, Georgia will be playing LSU for the SEC championship. Now she will want to rent Scenes from a Marriage. "You want to watch football again?" she will ask. "Didn't you already watch football on Thursday?" Every game seems the same to her. And I can't explain the difference, even though the differences feel so obvious. And I don't want to explain the difference, because I always want to watch Kent State and Eastern Michigan, too. They are as different to me as they are similar to her.


I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.


FOOTNOTES
1. The spread offense was so culturally pervasive in 2008 that it briefly became a plot point in season three of Friday Night Lights, undoubtedly the first time a prime-time TV show felt the need to respond to what was happening in major college football.


2. I feel like the addition of radios inside the helmets of NFL quarterbacks has been an overlooked innovation in how football embraces change. The Cleveland Browns invented QB radios in 1956, but they were banned until 1994. This legislation, along with the use of instant replay for officials, shows how football is unusually willing to let technology dictate performance. More conservative sports (like baseball or soccer) would fight such modernization tooth and nail.


3. I feel an obligation to note that it wasn't really Favre's fault that announcers were in love with him. But it kind of was, because Favre perpetuated it, too. He openly played to their girlish worship.


4. As a senior in 1981, USC's Marcus Allen rushed for 2,432 yards in twelve games. This is both astounding and understandable when you watch tape of the Trojans from that season -- it often seems like half of the offensive plays were simple toss sweeps over the right tackle (the so-called "Student Body Right").


5. This is especially significant within the context of football's traditional relationship with hierarchical control: Since the 1970s, much of football's fascist reputation had to do with the way offensive plays are dictated by the coaching staff, often from a press box a hundred feet above the field of play. The actual athletes sometimes seem like pawns. But choice routes gave autonomy to receivers.


6. ESPN commentator Tom Jackson once called Martz "The worst kind of idiot -- an idiot who thinks he's a genius."


7. Malzahn is now at Auburn.


8. Gillman introduced the idea of the vertical passing game in the 1950s and '60s.


9. Bellard popularized the wishbone option at the University of Texas in 1967, having taken the idea from Charles "Spud" Carson, a junior high coach in Fort Worth, Texas.


10. Coryell is the father of the modern pro passing game, particularly with the San Diego Chargers in the early 1980s. He also changed the way people looked at collegiate talent: He won 104 games with the San Diego State Aztecs by almost exclusively recruiting from junior colleges.


11. Easy example: In the annual New York Times Magazine "The Year in Ideas" issue for 2008, there was a brief examination of the Wildcat formation and the spread offense. The piece concludes with a dismissive quote from Aaron Schatz, a contributor to Pro Football Prospectus. "Wildcat got crazy," said Schatz. "It's a silly fad, like leg warmers or parachute pants." Time may prove Schatz correct, but his condescension ignores some irrefutable results. The year before Miami started using the Wildcat, they were 1-15; the next season, the Dolphins went 11-5 and won the AFC East. In 2007, Ole Miss went 3-9, so they fired their head coach and hired Wildcat innovator Houston Nutt; with almost identical talent, Ole Miss won nine games in 2008 and were the only school to defeat the University of Florida all season. Ole Miss ultimately beat Leach's Texas Tech in the 2009 Cotton Bowl.


12. Although some of them did become addicted to gambling and cocaine.


13. This refers to a defensive alignment that has three linemen and four linebackers. And if you didn't know that already, I am pretty f------ impressed you're still hanging with this. It should also be noted that certain NFL teams have succeeded wildly with the 3-4 defense even when it was unpopular, particularly in the AFC; Miami won championships with the 3-4 during the mid-1970s and Pittsburgh has used a 3-4 attack for more than twenty years.


14. Unlike the 4-3 or the 3-4, the name of the 46 defense does not indicate the number of linemen and linebackers who are on the field. The reason Bears defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan called this formation the 46 was because its effectiveness hinged on the play of Chicago strong safety Doug Plank, whose jersey number was 46.


15. Even Halberstam would ultimately concede that his '74 piece did not hold up over time: In 2001, he wrote a much more affectionate essay called "How I Fell in Love with the NFL."


16. It was the year the Redskins played the Bills, and I was at a party. How I was at a party on a Sunday night in Grand Forks, North Dakota, that somehow wasn't a Super Bowl party is pretty hard for me to fathom, but this was around the same time I started drinking "proactively."